Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.
“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” “Great, I’ll start later.”
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons and no one asks, "What the Hell is wrong with you?”
“I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.”
“Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.”
“Really?”
“Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.”
Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate one either.
If you see me talking to myself just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”
I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like fine wine.
I’m aging like milk ... getting sour and chunky.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support person is asleep. She’s 5 and it’s past her bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.